| One Year Ago Today |
[Jul. 21st, 2005|08:37 pm] |
I'm posting this here in SummerHusky because this is where it happened, even though I'm using ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) madrigalskylark now.
Hey guys,
One year ago today, I was sitting on a bed in my parent's room and I did something that took a long time in the making. Coming out to my mom was probably one of the hardest things to do [and I still didn't do it right], but I can't think of a time when I had a better night's sleep under that roof. That also happened to be my mom's birthday.
I had just started blogging, and I remember that next morning's blog entry received the most readership of any entry I'd ever written. So, I had to figure out what I could do to match it...what could I write today, one year later, in the same journal?
I can't. You can't top something life-changing, for the better, like that. So, I decided to let someone else's words do the talking for me. I won't say who wrote this, but some of you will know, by the time you're done, whose words these are [and thank you so much for being there for me throughout all of this...you rock...literally].
"As much as you try to live your life with regret control, and by regret control I mean, looking around as much as you can saying 'This here is good...and this is gonna disappear in no time. And in no time I'll be back to the bottom of the wave. The bottom of the tide.' You'll try as hard as you can to remember this. And you'll take notes, you'll take pictures. Take a picture on your cell phone, which is one of the most futile things I can think of to do in the world. And you'll be sitting across from somebody and you'll look at them in the face and you'll say to yourself, not them, but you're saying to yourself... 'You're not gonna be here forever, are you?' But that's alright, it's alright, it's alright, it's alright, it's alright, it's alright, it's alright. But it begs a sing-a-long, you know? So maybe if no matter what I say, you just start singing as soon as you get it. It goes like this. It goes 'You can't love too much one part of it.'" |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 21st, 2005|04:16 pm] |
Just letting everyone know...are you listening?
This summer, when I go to California, I won't be blogging here or at LiveJournal. Last year, I put all of my blogs on hold and used the SummerHusky account [I hear gasps coming from so many people who remember that...OMG, it was so much freakin' fun! Oh, the memories!]
This summer, I'll be blogging at Blog.com. I've already created the account. It's called "Coast One" [I've got this amazing talent for naming things, right?]. Coast One can be found by clicking here. I'll start posting on the train going to California in June.
So, why am I telling you this? Here's why: Put it in your bookmarks now. I'll post on all my Xangas and LJs a few days before I switch over.
There will be only ONE OTHER BLOG I will continue to update, and that's One Opinion. I'll come back to EndOfOurDays on Xanga and FallenSkylark/DeliriousEcho on LJ when I start my term at SFSU.
So, this summer, I'll be on holiday at Coast One and One Opinion. Happy times! |
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| More Pics [Super Bowl] |
[Feb. 6th, 2005|11:28 pm] |
So...this is how Super Bowl Sunday is done Cookie-style! Sorry the pics are so big--I didn't get the chance to resize them in ULead before I stuck them on here.
This is what the Franklins look like
when there is a break in the rain
I want so badly to say this is St. Mark's,
but don't hold me to that. S.B. 39 party!
Someone brought a husky! Being that it's my
school's mascot, I had to take a snap
Chris is filling us with sunshine while waiting
for food at IHOP. French fries, anyone?
Jessica having a laugh
at the S.B. party
Chris is...I think...listening to a
Britney Spears album at Wally World
More pictures of my kitty! I don't
remember what Mallory was thinking
I'm at IHOP. Don't expect to see
too many pictures of yours truly
Chris and a huge teddy bear for
Valentine's Day...at Wally World
He's writing...on a napkin...but
I don't remember what it is. |
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| Pictures From Birthday |
[Feb. 6th, 2005|03:21 pm] |
Because I closed out my old LJ, but I still need a place to store photos, I'll use this for now.
Me and an energy drink at midnight bowling
courtesy of Fort Bliss Bowling Centre
Three of the best people you'll ever meet:
Oscar, Alex and Melanie
I don't remember if this was posed or not...
That's Mallory...very, very lazy cat
Me at the computer [see the dry-erase board?]
Cheers,
Ditto |
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| It Has Arrived |
[Dec. 11th, 2004|03:17 pm] |
http://www.xanga.com/fallenskylark
For Jewel:
Oh, my baby, when you're older
Maybe then you'll understand
You have angels that stands around you shoulders
'Cause at times in life you need a loving hand
Oh, my baby, when you're prayin'
Leave your burden by my door
You have Jesus standing by your bedside
To keep you calm, keep you safe, away from harm
Worry not my daughters,
Worry not my sons
Child, when life don't seem worth livin'
Come to Jesus and let Him hold you in His arms
Oh, my baby, when you're cryin'
Never hide your face from me
I've conquered hell and driven out the demons
I have come with a life to set you free
Worry not my daughters,
Worry not my sons
Child, when life don't seem worth livin'
Come to Jesus and let Him hold you in His arms
Oh, my baby, when you're dying
Believe the healing of His hand
Here in Heaven we will wait for your arrival
Here in Heaven you will finally understand
Here in Heaven we will wait for your arrival
Here in Heaven you will finally understand
Worry not my daughters,
Worry not my sons
Child, when life don't seem worth livin'
Come to Jesus and let Him hold you in His arms |
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| The End |
[Nov. 11th, 2004|11:23 pm] |
I have decided in my best interest to end it all Saturday evening. This gives me time to bid goodbye to my fellow LiveJournal friends and then make plans for a life without it.
I find that LiveJournal really has changed my life. I'm known now. Which is both cool and scary at the same time. I've found people who correct every little grammatical error [Emily] and those who love my Euro-carried spelling.
So I've gained friends and pissed people off. Was it worth it in the end? I'm not sure, but the end is near. No more revolutions. No more of those friend's-filling updates like those on Election night. No more moping around over a crush. No more daily insights into my life. No more world on fire.
Am I doing this for recognition? Nope. Am I doing this for attention? Nope. Am I doing this to make you realise what you're losing? Nope. It's been said that all good things come to an end. Journal after journal, I've closed out chapters of my life and re-opened new ones. But it's time to put the final touch on this crazy little book that started all the way back in April.
There are going to be some here who comment with an, "Oh, you'll be back." Like Michael Jordan retiring from basketball, it's hard to stay away for too long. But I think I've reached a point where it really does need to end. I've gotten myself way too deep into something I can't control anymore. Instead, it's controlling me.
I find myself addicted to the computer, to this little journal, and going crazy when updates aren't made or comments are overlooked. I go nuts knowing that Miranda and Shane haven't added me yet [though Shane actually has added my old journal]. I get depressed when I see Emily or Anastasia or Kara having a bad day. There's a sense of sadness when I read some of the posts that Sam or Don makes. There's jealousy when I hear of someone who has gone through hell and found happiness...I guess because I'm still in a personal hell myself.
My heart will always be tugged at with the memories of what used to be and what has been. The memories from when I started this little series of life back when we were working on "Addict". Seeing Michael leave. Then Don leaves. Then Miranda takes issue with me for some reason. Lemon upset with me because of something he thinks I said. Shane upset with me over a stupid blog entry. Lindsay disgruntled because I harp on the friends I want instead of the ones I "have". Yeah, they've got me alright, but I don't feel like I have them, and it's like this little journal says, there is such a thing as "mutual friends". It's a lie--they're more like "friends who have also added you back".
I can remember meeting Juan and posting his picture for the world to look at, showing the world how lucky I was to have someone like him. I honestly believe that Juan was my first boyfriend. Then there was Marco, who I met through this journal. It never would have been possible any other way. A sense of elation had returned with Marco since being broken up with Juan, but it was a crush that was shadowing feelings I still had for Juan. Then there was the abusive relationship I entered with Carlos. I wanted to be loved so much, I was willing to be treated like trash for it. Yeah, I subjected myself to harassment and mood swings...just to be loved. But I rose above Carlos. I ended it there and then. And now I have feelings toward someone, I'll admit, I don't even know. And they don't want to get to know me. I mean, let's face it, they don't know me, and they've probably heard horrid things about me, so why would they want to? And, actually, the feelings for this person started long before Juan and have re-surfaced since I broke up with Carlos and realised that nothing was ever going to happen between me and Juan.
The crush--I want to call it that and not an "obsession" or a "love interest", seeing as how I've done that before and gotten way too deep, way over my head--will never be named here. Jewel knows who he is. I trust her with my life. Jewel is the most awesome companion that I could ever ask for. And it's funny, because we hardly ever talk anymore. In person, it's no more than a wave of the hand in the halls or a smile as we pass each other. Online, it seems to be a lot more than that. We actually have conversations. So, I think Jewel is the only one I trust that's close to me when it comes to that.
I've told Juan who it is I crush for also. Juan is one of those ex's you have where you still talk with them long after you break up. It's like when two people get divorced, but they remain friends and they still talk to each other...sometimes, they even share a Christmas party together. That's kinda like me and Juan. I feel bad, though, because it seems like I only talk with him when I'm depressed or need to feel loved. Everyone needs to feel loved.
Nonetheless, I don't think it'll ever venture beyond Jewel and Juan. Not Lindsay. Not Jackie. Not Emily or Anastasia or Kara. Not Michael [I call him "Mikey" on Yahoo because I know too many Michaels--there's Drama Michael, Don's Michael, Lemon Michael and Lemon's boyfriend Michael, or "Mikey"]. Not Don, or Shane, or Miranda.
It's an issue I have to face. I'm scared that anything between me and my crush will end in rejection on my part, and I know the chance of that occuring is great. I also know that if something did in fact happen, there would probably be rejection of us both from so many people we love. The problem is, I don't know him. He doesn't know me. I've seen his face. I've heard his voice. But I don't know him. And, to be honest, I'm so afraid of screwing it up that I'm not sure how to approach any possible friendship or relationship with this person.
That's what Miranda accuses me of. Trying to hard to be someone that people want me to be, instead of being myself. I've let others define me for way too long, and to be honest I was happier then. LiveJournal comes along, and I start defining myself, and I find misery.
So, Miranda, you're right. I do. But you accuse me of it, rather than tell me it's okay to be me. You reject me because of it. But you're not alone. There are lots of people who have rejected me because of it. You define me and suddenly I'm not someone you like. I define myself and it gets worse. It's a no-win situation for me.
My life is flourished with constant ridicule and rejection. I know it's because of me. The me I can't control. Yeah, I'm heavy. Yeah, I'm ugly. Big deal. There are times when I tell myself that it's no big deal, that I look fine. There are other times when I listen to the harsh words of others and starve myself for change. Yeah, it happens more often than you think--sometimes, lunch is my only meal. If anyone has seen me eat breakfast at Chapin, you know I have the juice and not much of anything else. Sometimes, I have a soda. Lunch is small for me, but sometimes, there is no dinner. It's not that it's not offered, it's just that I can't eat it. It's a starvation for change.
It a help that can only be satiated with friends. And it's a help that can only be satiated with the friends I'm trying to reach out to, not the ones I have--Miranda, Don, Shane, Michael, and others. Lindsay is fuming by this point. She's constantly telling me that I need to stop being so selfish and look at what I have, not what I want. My famous saying is "You just don't get it" and I honestly don't believe she gets it. It's not attention deprived at all, it's selective attention, and here's why.
I know I was happier when I was doing Addict. I can remember my first night there. I went into the backstage area where there were some wooden crate-like things and I talked with Miranda and Michael, as well as another girl who slips my mind at the moment. I can remember a sense of elation, like this is where I wanted to belong. I remember telling myself, "This is what I want" and I was damn-near willing to do anything to keep it.
But I lost it. I did something to fuck everything up, and I lost it.
I can remember one time asking Amanda if she liked me. Not in a relationship way, but in a friend way. She never answered, but I told her that I knew she didn't. She told me that people who say they aren't liked by a person are just striving for attention. I can remember the final night of Addict we were all on stage getting our picture taken by someone and she put her arm around me, which gave me such confusing feelings. I was bent on knowing she found me annoying, and yet here is someone that is holding me in a friendly way. Part of me felt that the friendship was genuine, and part of me felt that it was a role played by a gifted and talented actor. I think I deserved the right to feel that way.
I can remember when Don and Michael were having troubles. I hated Michael for the way he treated Don. I can remember one time crying because of how Don was getting treated. Soon after Don found resolve from Michael, he found resolve from me. I don't get much of a conversation out of him--not a phone call or text either. Michael and I still talk, but it's also a very limited conversation...only a little more than the one I had with Don.
Don's Anthony came from LiveJournal also. I can remember one time Don and Anthony were play fighting and I tried to resolve the issue as if it was a real one. Stupid me. I pissed Don off, but Anthony and I started talking. Now, he's off to some military thing and I haven't heard from him. Dale has. Don has. Not me. And I used to talk to him all the time online when he was here.
Miranda and Drama Michael joined LiveJournal soon after. I honestly believe all of this stemmed from the one I started--Michael and Miranda starting one because of Don, and Don has told me he started one because of me. I can remember initially I was able to keep in touch with Miranda and Michael through it, but I did something that I don't even seem to know about that pissed Miranda off. Michael and Miranda are a package deal, I believe, so if one turns on you, they both do. Michael has waved to me once this year in the halls--just once. Michael was also the first crush I had in my post-coming out world, but it's like I told Jewel, I never expected things to go far, and they didn't. They dissolved fast. I can remember Michael wrote in my yearbook that he hoped to become better friends with me this year, but neither of us have taken that initiative to make it happen. Miranda wrote, "This year's been so much fun. I'm so glad you got involved in drama and it was great you were in Addict too!" I believed it then, but was it true? Was it simply written at a loss of other words, or the time where you had to put pen to paper and write something? I honestly believe they were genuine feelings that Miranda expressed, and I'm saddened that I did something to make everything all wrong. Time can be turned back--it's just that nobody's figured out how to do it yet, but I will be the first to pay any amount of money to turn back the clock when it becomes available.
And who can forget about the community? It's how I became known and how I met people like Kara, Anastasia, Austin, Branden, Kindra, Jane Dough, Alie, Emily and others. But two people will always stick out in my mind...and as much as one of them hates it, they are a package deal in my eyes. Jackie and Lindsay. I feel blessed to know them, but saddened that it hasn't ever really evolved outside of the LiveJournal. There have been attempts--"A Cinderella Story" and "Characters", but other than that, it never really progressed. It's not the fault of anyone really, it's just how things are meant to be.
LiveJournal is where I tried to find happiness, but I think I've ended up living a much realer life than I could have ever imagined. It's scarey. I've become known, something I've always wanted but no longer wish for. Famous people say it all the time--they wanted to be known and now they'd give anything for their lives back. It's kind of like that for me, sans the fame. I just want my life back, as miserable as it was, because the pain was constant, it never spiked or dipped or was replaced with false happiness. It was just there, but it's much more liveable than this.
Someday I'll find happiness, I'm sure of it. There are too many depressed people who say that they'll never have it, but I just don't believe that's true. It may not be in life that you find happiness, but it's definitely somewhere. It may not be with the friends you want--Miranda, Michael, Don--but it might be with those you least expect. And it may never come in the 100 years you're on Earth.
People constantly ask me why I post a picture of the horizon as my LiveJournal icon on "FallenSkylark", and there's actually a reason for it. When I was little, I was taught that when you perish from the earth, your soul is taken to the clouds where it sits with the Father, the Lord Almighty. Yeah, I'm gay, but I still believe in some form of a God. Maybe I've denounced the Christian faith, or maybe I just haven't found my God yet. Sometimes I feel so certain, but at others I feel the one I look towards has forsaken me.
Regardless of how I feel, I truly believe I will achieve immortal bliss when I am immersed in the clouds. It's for that reason I often wonder what takes death so long to come to me. I'd never inflict it on myself and I'd never want anyone else to inflict it on me--I want God to do it. I want God to be ready for me, for Him to think I'm worthy of happiness finally. So I wonder when that happiness will come.
Sweet things are never made to last. This has been bittersweet, and the journal will end Saturday.
--Matthew
madrigalskylark |
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| Intense...Silence... |
[Oct. 12th, 2004|07:07 pm] |
THE ULTIMATE SILENCE
October 12, 1998
Six years ago today, Matthew Shepard was murdered for being homosexual.
What will you do to end the silence?</font> |
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| Curtain and Finale |
[Aug. 2nd, 2004|04:09 pm] |
A friend of mine said his final goodbye today. I've decided to say good-bye to those on my SummerHusky friend's list, with notes that I may never hear from them again, as I've made a decision this morning. I'm closing out this SummerHusky account and re-opening my ChapinHuskies account early. I know I said I'd do it later this month, but I think now is as an appropriate time than any.
He did something very creative, that I'm stealing from him today. He listed those on his friend's list and said a little personal goodbye to them. I'm doing the same here.
So, with a heavy heart, a final [sigh], and an optimistic outlook, here are my goodbyes to you.
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aberfitchkid: I'm sorry things didn't work out between the two of us. I know that I mainly was the one who held back on the chance of us ever developing a friendship. Though I was hurt by what happened, you should know it wasn't your fault. My insecurities caused me to be hurt, not anything you said. I enjoy reading your posts, what you do day-to-day and hope you reach your dreams someday. It'll happen...give it time. I'm glad to call you "friend".
alemav: I can't forget those online conversations we have! When there's nobody to talk to, we always manage to strike up a conversation. I don't know you too well now, but I get the feeling we'll develop a friendship. Take care! By the way--keep making those cute comments on my songs, I do like them.
anarchys_savior: You were probably one of the first people to comment when I came out. I'll never really know, since I don't go back to the posts, I get them in my e-mail and your name just showed up first. But it was comforting. And, yes, I agree--everyone should have Yahoo! I have it as my internet, but I don't have the messenger...yet. And we'll talk one day. I promise.
atarashiihito: You never commented in my journal...what's up with that? Ha, well anyways, I've always been in love with your icon...even thought about stealing it a few times. Thanks for giving me something to love all this time! I always look forward to seeing your posts on my friend's page.
bjames: You've commented probably more than anyone from the gay LJ community. I can't thank you enough--you always seem to find something to say, even if it's the smallest, most fucked-up post I've written. Whether it's my religion, my coming out, or my day-to-day problems, you always have a response that matters to me--and that never brings me down. Thanks so much.
blackwhitered8: The most aggravating thing about your journal is that you screen your posts! Ha...well, I can't honestly say I know you that well. I can remember the first time I saw you was at Project Celebration, and I'd hoped that I could talk to you when school started. I look at people and know which ones I want to be friends with, and you made that list. And now, you're on my friend's list on LiveJournal. Someone, someday, will make you very happy--I'm sure of it. You may not find them in the "not-too-distant-future", but you'll find them someday. You have a promising life ahead of you. I will always be there for you, and I can only hope that over the next year or so our friendship will develop beyong the online world. That means I'll have to cover a track meet for Chapin TV, huh? We shall see...take care. There is so much I don't know about you and so much I want to learn.
cadilacfnkymuzk: I was so thrilled to know that there was a member of the gay LJ community who lived so close by! Albuquerque isn't that far, and you've given me a reason to go back to Belen when I get the chance. Hopefully, you can travel the half-hour to Belen and visit me on my next visit, because I'd love to get to know you. We only had one phone conversation--let's not let it be our last. I enjoy talking to you so much.
cardnav: We've only talked a few times online, and I still don't know you very well. I promise you one thing, though: Someday, I will come out of my cave and learn what DDR is. I've seen a few pictures of the game, and I have a good idea as to what it is, but I still don't know. I hope that we can continue to talk, either online or through LJ--which is, I guess, also online. Please don't stop!
changing_faces: I owe this entire journal to you. Without you, this would have never been created. I can remember being online early in the morning, which I guess is afternoon where you are, and asking you to make this journal--and you did without hesitation. You're the only one out of anyone who had the password to this, and I'm so glad I never had to question my trust with you. One of these days, John will come to Europe and I hope you get to meet him! Keep being a fan, keep being inspired, and keep writing.
ceqarht: Wow...I was so thrilled to know that you were closer to me than Albuquerque! Though we never really hit it off, just know that I do think of you and I do read your journal. I hope that one day we can become better friends. Hey, did someone order a pizza? [Bad inside joke...]
christopherz: I never heard from you. I never got a comment from you. But the whole reason I joined some of the communities listed on my friend's list was because of you. I hope that you and I can talk one day. Take care.
cornerstore[18]: I never knew which journal of yours to read, the one with or without the number 18. And just recently have you started posting comments in my journal, which means you do actually read this stuff! A human hand does have 8 fingers, wouldn't you agree? Marissa has good taste in friends, I know that now, and I hope that we can continue being friends as well.
divboi5: You only posted a comment one time, when I came out, which seems to be when everyone posted. But just knowing that you were there on my friend's list was moving, which means you did read my posts and took an interest in my life. For that, I can't thank you enough. Will the landslide bring you down one day? The Magic 8 ball is doubtful. Keep your head up.
dizzyobserver05: You came to me completely out of the blue. All of the sudden one day I get an IM from an obscure screen name...I should have known it had something to do with Irvin! [the Observer part]. I'd be lying if I said I ever remember meeting you when we had the joint newspaper, but I'm not lying when I say here today that I've had the wonderful opportunity to get to know such a great party person like yourself! Don't ever lose contact with me, there's so much I still have to learn...like how do you manage to go to Juarez so often when in the three years I've lived here, I've never been? You have a great career in journalism, your dedication is proof of your tireless efforts and a foreshadow into your future.
dreamguy55: You must think I'm a crazy guy or a hypocrit. I said that you could call me whenever you want and if you leave a message I'd call you back. And then I didn't the other night because the power went out! But doesn't it feel good to talk to someone or something, even if it's just a machine? I could hear and feel that weight being lifted off your shoulders. We all have shit to go through, we all have our fucked-up days, it's knowing how to get through them that gets you back on your own two feet--part of that means knowing you have someone to talk to, and I'm always here...until the poewr goes out again. You have a good heart and a great brain to go along with it...with those two, you will go far in this world.
envymyheart: I cannot put into words how I felt about some of the artful pictures you've posted...but then maybe that's the reaction you were hoping for? You've got a fabulous knack for photography and a skill at working the lens. Plus, you're really great on a skateboard, which is something I've always wanted, but never had the determination, to learn. I was so upset when T-Mobile shut off the part of my phone I use for Yahoo Messenger, because that's how I'd talk to you more than often, even if it was just to say "hello". You're gonna get all the girls one day and find your pics on the cover of "Time"...or the "National Enquirer", depending on what you're into [I'd stick with the "Time" hope, though]. Cheers, good buddy.
excalibur1031: The only comment I received from you was that you weren't out just yet because your parents are conservative. Know that you are the product of two souls coming together, and there is nothing you can do that will make them love you any less, just as there is nothing they could do that would ever make you love them less. One of these days, you'll find the right moment. It can't be any worse than on their birthday, right? I'm here right behind you--no, I'm right by your side.
expirate: If I have ever met someone that's been a more interesting character, it's definitely you Lindsay. I don't know what your beef with AOL is, but it's driving me nuts! I don't think I ever really took the time to tell you that I apprecate the conversations we have [or had] on AIM, and I was so crushed to hear that you wouldn't be using it anymore. One of these days, I'll be able to get MSN so we can resume or lively conversations. I don't know why I didn't propel myself to get to know you better, even when we had that class together, and I kick myself now and then for not taking the time. I've learned so much from you and Jackie and you guys have always been there for me, through hell, fucked-up times, and depressions. I don't know how I survived without knowing you're just a mouse-click away, and I hope that our friendship never ends...even when my time at Chapin does.
foreveryoung22: I'm at a loss of words here...I have to just let my fingers flow from my head to the keys now. I am so glad I asked Robbie about you. You have been my inspiration since coming out, teaching me that being gay is okay and nothing for me to be ashamed of. You've shown me that somewhere deep inside is a great character screaming to be unleashed, and as I develop a friendship [possibly more, time will tell] with you, I have a feeling I will change for the better. You, truly are, an inspiration--if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be a veggie-tarian [vegetarian] today now would I? And I am seeing results--that's all you, not me. I love you so much for that. Thanks for everything.
freek_sho: We did it. We did it. And it's still hard for me to believe sometimes that we did it. You were my inspiration for coming out. Without that pact, I don't think I would have, nor do I think you would have, and let's face it--we both would still be miserable. Your family will come to terms with it, if they haven't already, and you will be so happy knowing you can be free now rather than have to hide the fact that you are who you are. Plus, that friend of yours--the one who beats up the dragon--well, it's a shame the cute guys are straight [well, some of them anyways...]. I gotta stop that! I've got my eye on someone.
himoron: You're the same as someone else here, so I'll just get to you sooner or later if I haven't already.
iamjoey_: Stevie Nicks rocks! I can't wait until we can talk some more so we can continue saying those great things about Stevie. One of these days, being obsessed with your idol will pay off. I'm not sure how. I'm not sure when. But it will. You'll see...
imaginaryloser: We are all obsessed with being horny...it's just a guy thing. Really, it's just a human thing. Not much can be done about it. At least, not that I know of. Someday we'll all meet--on cloud nine--and I'll have you on my list of people to look for. You take care of yourself.
ispitonyou: When I came out, you were there, lifting my spirits higer than anyone. When I was down from my failed relationship, you were one of the few to comfort me when everyone else was bashing my head into the wall. I dunno if there's such thing as a "true online friend", but if there is, you're definitely one of them. I can always look for a comforting note from you, so I know no matter how much I feel like shit, you'll be there for me. Thanks so much.
jaded_2005: Even though your journal is now closed and you don't want me to know about your other one [though I do], I can honestly say that your smile has reminded me that I have a friend in you. I know I'll never have a friendship with you that could compare to Michael, Don, or even your worst enemy, but I'm glad to know that even if I can't talk to you directly, your smile is always there for me. Your humor is something that's priceless and I can never possibly forget. If I ever need a reminder of that smile, all I have to do is look at that Drama Banquet tape...seeing how you were trying to hide from the camera lens. I'm so glad you didn't, because now, that person who I've grown to miss this summer is immortalized on film. It's something I'll cherish, never take for granted. And you are something that no-one should take for granted or advantage of...someone, someday will lose you and kick themselves for it. Just know that I'm always here for you no matter what. You are a great person.
jaytothevee: So much I want to say about you. The first time I met you, I was crying. God, how I wish I could take back that moment sometimes...and then, sometimes, I don't. You were so caring that first time, reminding me that even perfect strangers could bring my spirits up. And then out of the blue you invite me to a movie one day. I know it was probably awkward to have someone you barely knew at a movie with you, but I enjoyed being with you and Lindsay. I don't get out much and I'm so glad that you two invited me. And, yes, I'm thinking about becoming a band freak now...maybe I will join band next school year...we will see. Never, ever lose contact with me. You can't, okay? Even if I'm in Antarctica, studying the effects of global warming on penguins, you have to be there with a box of popcorn and a movie ticket so we can go see whatever movie is playing, okay? I think, out of anyone, you comment more than any person in my journal. Both journals, even. And you've kept this going. I can't wait until the school year starts so I can pass by you in the halls, so I can see you at lunch, so I can develop a stronger friendship with you and even show you the music that's inspired me. Of course, you and Lindsay inspire some of my writings. Thank you so much. Even thanks cannot completely amount to what I owe you for all of this.
jet15: That cute smile, that cute face! Oh, I can't stand it sometimes! You're like as cute as a puppy dog! You've got that boyish charm, you know that? And you're always there for me, commenting in my journal even when I have stupid shit to say. I hope you'll keep posting, because I always love reading what you have to say. Cheers, mate!
kk_love_emotion: I can't believe this--I still haven't added you to my friend's list? Why didn't you tell me? Well, I'm sorry all this time I never did, but I promise to when I open my other journal up. I love the online sessions we have, where we talk about stuff like the storms, the music we love, just stuff. I owe so much to that! Thank you so much.
leno_cinaedus: Sorry I couldn't be in Sacramento for your farewell party...I would have love to gone! i miss Sacramento so much. Keep being there for you friends and the people who matter, and thanks for talking to me! You will always be in my prayers, even when you're studying at Duke. I agree, these journals are an addiction--one we don't have to give up with a patch or cold turkey. Good luck, and I promise to talk to you more.
losing_streaks: Something I want to metion right now--why do most of my friends have depressing, emo-like usernames? Okay, back to this person--I'm sorry the first post you ever read of mine was the largest post I've every typed. I guess I have a lot to say sometimes. Hey, we should keep talking on AIM. We only talked...what...one night? We'll see how that radio station is coming along--I'm still doing research on it, but you'll be one of the first to know when it's up. Take it easy buddy! Harry Potter rules!
lunar_blood: You were my first crush...bet you didn't know that? Okay, first gay crush, but still...it counts. Something about your kindness comforts me to know that our friendship will develop over time. I'm so lucky to have gotten to know you during the school year, and only hopeful that I'm as lucky to get to know you more the next school year. I see a bright future ahead of you--you have a kind heart and a good head on your shoulders. Keep the faith and you'll succeed farther than I can ever begin to fathom. You're much loved, not just by me, but by everyone I know. Take care of yourself and don't ever forget me!
malchikgay: You are the only person I've ever made a color thing for on my friend's list. Everyone else is black and white--I think yours is purple? I don't know much about you, and I'm sorry for that, but I'll try harder soon. Take it easy!
musicboy88: You mention in a few posts how your life is sad. How sad can it be to have been raised by Eric Clapton and Ozzy Osbourne? Ha, I think I'm funny--thanks for reminding me sometimes that I'm not. Ha again. You say my life is interesting? Yours is just as interesting, so keep writing! I promise we'll become better friends, okay?
naomhaisling: I forget a lot, huh? Grant, your conversations with me on AIM were memorable, even if I do forget them sometimes. Wait--did I just contradict myself? You'd better keep writing because I read your posts every day and look forward to them. I also look forward to talking to you on AIM, so don't block me anytime soon, no matter how irritating I can be! And you do have a great character--never forget that, okay?
readytojetjake: No matter where I look on LiveJournal, you seem to be on everyone's friend's list. Thanks for being a friend to me, most of all. I always see your screen name lit up on AIM, and I know that I can talk to you anytime I need to. Thanks for being there, and thanks ahead of time for whatever future instances I may try to strike a conversation. It means a lot to me.
robolean: You've always been a friend to me. Always. I just didn't know it until I started talking to you online. There's so much I've told you that I've never told anyone and I know I can trust you to keep my secrets. We may see each other in the halls and only glance, sometimes stopping to say "hi", but I know that I can count on you as a friend. And if it wasn't for you, I never would have met PJ who has inspired me so much through coming out. You're always there to raise my spirits or just to say hi, probably more than anyone I can think of right now. We've got a bond, you know that? Thanks again for being there for me and keep writing!
smpte: You may be a self-proclaimed "geek", but you've got one of the greatest smiles I've seen in LiveJournal. I hope that you will IM me sometime on AOL as I look forward to talking to you more! I love the fact that you post so much in my journal, even for someone who has never met me in person. Wyoming isn't so bad, is it? Even for being stuck out in the middle of fucking nowhere, you seem to be a pretty cool person.
spiral_architec: You do know, Eric, if it wasn't for you, I'd never have icons? You're the reason why I have my John Mayer icons today. Thanks for putting up with my computer and with me sometimes. I love talking to you on AIM and I hope that we can continue long after this journal is closed. Just seeing your screen name pop up clear out of nowhere gives me a cool feeling inside. And, as you say, I'll do anything for an LJ buddy! I'm so glad I can trust you and I hope we talk some more.
stupid_bird: I've never gotten the chance to talk to you. Just, out of nowhere one day, you added me and I added you. So now I have to talk to you sometime, okay? You sound like you're a pretty cool person, and I can't wait to learn more about you!
swipe69: Ah, Las Vegas. I don't know much about it, but I'm learning the good [and not so good] qualities it holds from you. What else can I say? Thanks for being there for me and keeping me entertained with your posts. Cheers from a fan!
this_kid_has_it: Yeah, you've got it. I love that you and I have a mutual interest in journalism and we can talk about it all day long. All day long. All day. Long. Yeah. It's never a dull topic, is it? Someday, you'll do well in sports writing, if that's the profession you still want to go into. Plus, all those sweaty, hot bodies in the locker rooms...ooh, I'm gonna be envious of you. Cheers.
toyokuninushi: Typing out that LJ username, I made several typos before getting it right. From one Jamie Cullum fan to another, I hope you keep listening and writing! You've always got something to say to my posts, and it seems like we have so much in common. Why don't we talk some more? In the future, we will--I hope. Thanks again for the comments on damn near everything! They mean loads to me.
udtactor86: You were with me from the very beginning--the very start. I'm so happy that I can always find a song for you in whatever situation you're in. I'm always excited to see you've posted something in your journal, even when you said you might not anymore. I'm always depressed to hear you're depressed. I'm always keeping faith that we'll grow to have a better friendship over time. I hope that you keep in contact with me in the times to come. I don't know if I could have continued any journal without knowing that you read this. Our lives are so interesting, wouldn't you say? We have the willpower to pull through anything. Thanks for always being there for me, especially when I needed it and especially when you didn't exactly want to. I can't thank you enough, I send my love to you, Don!
And now, for some outside thanks [and some that's inside].
To the members of the Gay Boys community: I named many of you above, but for those I didn't name, I'm always grateful that you're there for me. The stuff you guys post is incredible. It's a wonder how any of us can survive in such a wicked world, but we persevere, we live another day. We carry on. We hold our own. We are the true warriors. And we'll continue to persevere. Thank you to all for the lessons you've taught me and the strength you've given me.
To Gregg: You know that you piss me off sometimes, right? But you've always been there for me. You're about as close a friend as I've ever had, and I'm glad that if anyone is my best friend, it's you. Even though you're better looking than me, more successful, have a better life...see why sometimes you piss me off? Ha, but if I have found anyone in my life to share brotherly love with, it's you. Hell, we act more like brothers than even brothers do! Such a blessing to have you in my life, no matter how opposite we are. Thanks a lot buddy.
To Jake, the John Mayer lover: Even as I type this out, guess what's playing on the radio? "Why Georgia". Coincidence? Perhaps. Have you ever known someone who has come into your life...when you've hit the ball into right field and someone throws it from the left? You came into my life like that, and there's not a second that goes by in a minute, not a minute that goes by in my day, when I'm not wondering how you are. One day we'll meet in person and I can show you just how much I love you. Maybe we'll meet for a week, maybe for a day...or maybe even for an hour. But every second I talk to you is another great moment in my life. Words cannot express the feelings I have for you. We have so much in common--where have you been all my life?! Same shoe size, same love for our idol, same state--and same love for each other. I feel our love grow every day, and I am incredibly touched by your feelings every moment I'm alive. Like I said--words are not enough, but someday my actions will be and you will feel just how big my love for you is. With all my heart.
To Ian: I'd be lost if it wasn't for you. I don't really know you that well, but I feel like we've been connected through a bond for life. If they put pictures in the dictionary, you would be under "optimist". You look for the best in everything life gives us. You're full of heart and of life. God has blessed you with so much, but you see so much more. Even the littlest thing could be big in your eyes. You have deep passion and a youthful complexion that can't be bought or found in anyone else. You are incredibly lucky, and you know it. But you never take it for granted. I'm so glad that you are in my life, Ian. Don't ever lose faith, don't ever lose touch!
To Katie: What can I say except I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! Ever since I moved here to El Paso, you've been my friend. Through thick and thin, hell and back, you've always stood at my side. I've never had a fight with you! Yeah, I've been mad, but can I stay mad at you for long? There's no way. Hell would freeze over. We both know that. We both realise the special bond we have. We're nearly brother and sister! I can't believe we've pulled through three years of high school together! And now, it's our last year. Let's not go out with a fizzle, let's go out with a bang! Did I mention that I love you so much? You bring the light into my day, Katie!
To Jewel: If I've ever been able to depend on someone, I know without a shadow of a doubt that it's been you. I could tell you stuff I've never told anyone. And you've told me stuff I've never told anyone. We will always be able to confide in each other, whether it's about boys, love or friends. We drive each other crazy, huh? But I'm lucky to have you as a friend. We can't ever lose touch, got it? NEVER! Ha. I doubt we will--I gotta have someone as my counselor [that I don't have to pay!]. I'm kidding, of course, but along with a friend, you've been my counselor in a way. Always there to bring me back on my feet. Always believing in me when I was doubtful of myself. Thanks so much!
To Sarah: Sarah...wow, I've known you for what seems like forever! I will never forget having to meet newspaper deadlines and working our asses off to make it a great paper. You never took authority over us, always treating us like equals even though you held the ultimate word. You can't find that in other people--I'm so glad it was found in you. I had so much fun at Project Celebration--I'll never tape over that video! One day, you will come back to the Sun City and we'll throw popcorn at people off the ski lift and yell obscinities off the train again, okay? It's a date--I look forward to it. I love you so much.
To Sara: You tell it like it is, girl! You're the first person I see at school when it starts and the last person I see when it ends [in a year, I mean]. Every year, you start school with different hair...how will your hair look this year? I guess we'll see. You are probably one of the most supportive people I know at Chapin. You keep our little group together...when you're not there, it's not the same. I thank you so much for being in my life, and never being turned away by how crazy I drive you!
To Jack, Chanel, and Stuart: You guys are so great. Stuart, you've always been by my side, even though my homosexuality isn't something you agree with. Jack, I didn't know you for very long, and our friendship fell apart after a while, but I'm glad that you were in my life because I've learned so much from you. And Chanel--your beauty and your brains make my day complete! I'll never forget you and Jack teaching me how to play that song on the piano, though I've forgotten how to play it. I'll never forget how you sat next to me in French and we used to sniff the markers and do crazy little dances, even though we ran the risk of royally ticking off the teacher. Thanks for the memories, you guys are great.
To Mrs. Mendoza: You were strict at first, but you couldn't suppress your beauty and kindness. You forced that French down our throats until we learned it, didn't you?! I probably wouldn't know half the French I know if it wasn't for you. I'll never forget the laughter from that class that took away my stress and frets. I promise to visit you sometime...even if I have to skip a few minutes of class. If I ever see another progress report again, though...I might scream! Ha, I'm kidding, I miss you so much this summer. All my love to you and Zatara! The picture is still on my desk.
To Brendan and Leif: We were the ultimate band of brothers, weren't we? We always stuck together those five years in Germany. We drove each other crazy and tried to beat each other's bowling scores, but we never once got into a fight or argument. It's only too bad we lost touch after all these years, though I still get that random phone call from you, Brendan, or that random IM from you, Leif. All my love to you guys!
To Victor, Crystal, and the entire debate team: I've learned so much from you guys than I ever have in debate. Victor's taught me that I don't have to be ashamed of who I am. Crystal has shown me a humor that can't be bought or found. And the rest of you has shown incredible charisma, determination, and stamina that can't be found anywhere--even when we were at a meeting until midnight. We'd do anything for each other, you know that, right? And we did--from borrow each other's phones or even money. We were a family, weren't we? I miss that.
To Keefers: Every student needs a teacher they can confide in. I'm so glad that I have you to tell everything to. I've told you stuff that I can honestly say you'll keep mum about. I'm saddened that you aren't coming back to teach us again, but I'm so happy by the memories we made as a debate class. We all felt relaxed around you--you were one of us. You treated us, not like students, but like young adults. That's missed in today's schools, and I'm so glad that we had that, even if it was just for a while. I look up to you and respect you so much. I hope we keep in contact. Thanks for always bringing my spirit up when I need it the most!
To the Drama kids: I had such a great time with "Addict". You guys treated me like one of your own, even though you'd bring up stuff that I had no idea about. Guess you gotta be one to know, huh? Well, hopefully I can become one next school year. And, like I said at the banquet, I hope that next year I can laugh at the little stuff with you.
To everyone else: My life is complete with you in it. I feel down and you guys bring me up. I'm here when you need me and vice-versa.
So, goodbye from here. But I'm not far. I'm just on my other journal!
Cheers and Warmest Final Regards,
Matthew Keys
"Goodbye baby...I hope your heart's not broken. Don't forget me--yes I was outspoken. You were with me all the time. I'll be with you one day..." |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 1st, 2004|05:22 pm] |
It works! That's my favorite lyric of all time!!!
And Songbird...I love that song. [And Christine sings it also!]
It took me FOREVER to make this quiz, so please take it! |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 1st, 2004|05:02 pm] |
I made this, but I didn't realise an error in it until after I'd made it:
The spot that says "Sexual Preference" lists Straight and Bisexual as the same thing...so I guess if you're straight or bi, choose that one.
Hey, it's all for fun, what difference does it make? How can I be married to a hooker and depressed? |
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| Letting Go...Let Me Fall |
[Aug. 1st, 2004|03:00 pm] |
Four short years, thirty minutes,
Fifteen seconds, I held this grudge
Eleven songs, four full journals,
Thoughts of punishment
I've expanded
Not in contact, not a letter
Such communication, telepathic
You've been vilified
Used as fodder
You deserve a piece of every record
But who's it hurting now?
Who's the one that stuck?
Who's it torturing now
With an antique knot in their stomach?
I wanna be big and let go
Of this grudge that's grown old
All this time I've not known
How to rest this bygone
I wanna be soft and resolved
Clean of slate and released
I wanna forgive for the both of us
I come abandoned house
Dusty cupboard, furniture still intact
And if i visit it now
Will i simply relive it
Somehow, gratuitous
But who's still waking now?
Who's tired of their own voice?
Who's it weighing down with
No gift from time of said healing?
I wanna be big and let go
Of this grudge that's grown old
All this time I've not known
How to rest this bygone
I wanna be soft and resolved
Clean of slate and released
I wanna forgive for the both of us
Maybe as I cut the cord
Veils will lift from my eyes
Maybe as I lay this to rest
The weight off my shoulders will rise
Here I sit much determined
Ever real equipped to draw this curtain
How this has entertained,
Validated and has served me well
And for the victim
But who's done whining now?
Who's ready to put down?
This I've carried longer
Than I had cared to remember
I wanna be big and let go
Of this grudge that's grown old
For the life of me, I've not known
How to rest this bygone
I wanna be soft and resolved
Clean of slate and released
I wanna forgive for the both of us... |
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| This Grudge Has Grown Old |
[Jul. 31st, 2004|02:03 pm] |
"I wanna be big and let go of this grudge that's grown old all this time..."
Wow, what a night.
First, I guess my day started around two in the morning. Well, technically, two in the afternoon...morning for me. Shut up, leave me alone! Anyway, mom got invited to a wine-tasting party and she decided to go. It was at Brandy's neighbor's house, so I knew she wouldn't be far from Brandy [um...duh?]
Well, seven rolled on by...then eleven...then two. Yes, two in the morning...the real morning...and I still hadn't heard from her. I pacified myself with a bunch of online stuff. Talking to people on AOL, updating this with various lyrics, stuff like that--but it all got boring after a while.
So around two in the morning, I started to get worried. I got offline and called Brandy's cell phone. When there was no answer, I called Brandy's house. When there was no answer, I called Brandy's cell phone--again. When there was no answer, I gave up, hung the phone up, and got back online. About fifteen seconds later, I hear my cell phone ring from the bedroom. Knowing I have like only four rings to answer it [and by the time I realised it was ringing, two had gone by], I raced into my room to answer it.
It was mom calling from Brandy's cell. I got offline and called her from the regular phone and asked her where she was. After the wine-tasting party, they went bowling, but when the alley closed, they went to Denny's. I asked her to bring me back something and she said she would.
She forgot, though, so around three in the morning she comes in with a Mountain Dew from Taco Bell. Okay, when it's about to be bedtime [at least for me...three in the morning], a Mountain Dew is not what you want to have. But I drank the whole thing within an hour and, no, I didn't get much sleep last night.
At around five in the morning, with nothing to watch, I turned to C-SPAN. Yes, I'm a God-awful nerd, I'm so sorry. Anyway, I decided to call in. I must've dialed the number fifty times before I got through!
The lady there was very nice, she asked me if I wanted to say my comments on the air and who I supported for President [Kerry, of course].
When the host came back from the "commercial" break, I was the first to speak on their caller list! The conversation [I've taped and watched about five times...plus I said it so I should know] went something like this:
Host: First up, we have El Paso--you're first.
Me: Hi there, thanks for taking my call
Host: You bet
Me: Well, I'm 17 years old, I'm a student and I'm calling from El Paso
[the host starts to ruffle through some newspapers]
Me: [continuing] ...and I would like to thank C-SPAN for their programming and their coverage of all of the important events. I often tape C-SPAN to use for my broadcasting class because I'm in journalism
[the host stops ruffling through papers and starts to look interested]
Me: [continuing] ...I'm able to take the footage I tape from C-SPAN and make these wonderful news pieces for my broadcasting class that I'm able to show to the 1700 kids on my campus. I've started with the Iowa caucuses--actually I started with C-SPAN's reporting on Governor Schwarzenegger when C-SPAN was using KCRA's footage because that's where I'm from, I'm from Sacramento. And I did it with the Democratic National Convention--I have about five tapes full of footage from C-SPAN and...
Host: What did you think of the Democratic Convention?
Me: Oh, I thought it was absolutely wonderful. I got so excited after hearing Kerry speak that I logged onto the website and signed up to be a volunteer in his campaign. I've also gotten other teens my age involved and they are so excited to help Kerry...to help Kerry enter the White House.
Host: Well, thank you for calling.
Then, they cut the line. They like to keep the calls short.
Okay, so now it's six in the morning. I've just called a major cable network...not the first time, though, because I've commented on stuff on MSNBC before when they used to do their 20-second viewer commentary [though that was about two years ago].
There's nothing on TV at this time. Cartoon Network isn't doing [adult swim] because it's a Friday evening/Saturday morning. I guess they expect kids to stay up at one in the morning...well, I guess in a way one did.
So it's six in the morning...well, really around six-thirty, since I was put on hold for a few minutes on C-SPAN. I'm still bored and there's still nothing on TV. There's a movie called "The Majestic" that we've had for months but have never bothered to watch, so I figured now was a good time to watch it. So I put it in, and about an hour later, I had to turn it off. It's very interesting, but then I finally got tired. It's a nice movie I could relax to, so I'll probably watch the movie in bits and pieces before I go to sleep and that's how I'll digest the story line.
Then, this morning, mom comes in around noon. Grr...I'm still tired mom! She tells me she has to go pay the car insurance. Okies, that works and she's taking my little brother with her. Okay, fine. I go back to sleep. Around one this afternoon, she comes back in and wakes me up. The first thing she tells me is that she has to go to another office to pay the insurance, so she's leaving Dominick here. Fine, I grumble, knowing I have to get up now.
But then she tells me about a phone call she got this morning. Brandy's husband, Charles, called this morning to tell us that last night there was a shooting that involved two of our soldiers. One of them was a friend of the family...the other was one of my dad's soldiers before dad went to Korea. Apparantly, around 2:30, mom was driving home and saw police tape on the street and sidewalk and wondering what's going on. Apparantly, someone shot them [we still don't know who] as they were leaving a bar. The friend of the family, Sgt. Miller, is a new dad--his wife just had a baby within the past month. He was shot in the head and is in critical condition. The other soldier [we still don't know who] is in ICU.
Apparantly, Mrs. Miller is going frantic around the hospital. When mom gets home from the car insurance place, I'm gonna ask her to go down to the hospital to be with Mrs. Miller. Everyone needs someone at times like these.
You always hear about people saying "It could never happen to me or my friends". I know because I was one of those people. But the truth is, it really can happen to anyone. It really can. Don't ever fool yourself into thinking that just because you are in your body, that you are you, that you are invincible. Because it really can happen to any of us--it's being smart, not invincibility, that will keep it from happening to us.
"...I wanna forgive for the both of us..." |
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